It's amazing how time passes quickly when you have a lot going on.
I do have a lot going on, and by request of Kristen, I'm going to talk about it.
The reason I haven't is because it isnt easy to talk when your hurting.
J and I are not okay. Whenever my feelings are hurt by someone, I need a little bit more than an "I'm sorry" Lately I've been getting my feelings hurt a lot and have a hard time explaining it without going on and on. I need someone that will be patient with me, understanding of me, and forgiving of me. It's hard to talk about it because I think that J isnt that person. It hurts so much to write because it might be the first time I'm admitting it out loud (or to the whole world for that matter).
We havent spoken since he yelled at me on Sunday night saying that he will never be someone to talk thing over and over (as he put it) nor will he ever be big on telling me wants to see me all the time, or anything of that matter. I didnt know what to say so I just said ok and havent heard from him. Do you know how it feels when someone doesnt really want you around, much less want to talk to you?
I am most certainly under the impression that you make compromises for the people you love and most definitely for the ones you say that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I am also most certain it would never cross my mind to not be willing to endure something that I might not like for J's sake. The hard part is that I am realizing he isnt willing to do that for me. I'm a little confused because I always took saying that you love someone meant you always would, and would be more than happy to show that person you love them every day for the rest of your life. I don't mean flowers, because those die and I don't mean candy, because it gets eaten. But I mean in simple, kind gestures that are a part of everyday life. Maybe we're past that honeymoon period in our relationship (it's almost been 8 months) so I don't get the attention or "doting" on that I used to get, but it seems to me that even the simple dynamics of a relationship should never change from day one.
I've also come to the realization that I am to blame quite a bit too. I act like an ass and do stupid things but never feel forgiven. Maybe I am too sensitive or emotional because I forgive easily and expect from others the same. Maybe the way I am is just not enough for J.
So many people have said to me that you do so much changing in your 20's and until now, I had never believed them. I have already done so much changing and have only realized that I have a long way to go.
That being said, I'm angry. Why can't I get cut some slack because I have some things to figure out? You can't tell someone you love them but not like them. You also are not allowed to put them down by disagreeing with their ideas and words. I might not know everything as the next guy, but I am not unitelligent. I also have feelings and they need to be thought about.
But, maybe all my life everyone's been letting me get away with everything, be the spoiled brat, and now I am finally dealing with the fact that the world isnt going to let me just "get by"
I love J with all my heart and I have no idea how to show him. I only reverse the "good" by my actions. I am my own worst enemy, and always regret my actions/words. It eats me alive when I upset someone or act a certain way that isn't appealing to others. Should I be made to feel bad about myself though? I think I do a pretty damn good job of making myself feel bad about who I am, and I dont need someone else doing it. I need encouragement and support. Supporting someone doesnt always mean that you agree with them, but you it means you understand their decision on whatever the situation is and support that WITH them. To me, a relationship is a team. That team can rise & fall with the best of them, but its those "winning" teams that can come out in the end because they were able to work together. Maybe J and I just can't work together anymore. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I'm losing half of me and it hurts more because I dont think it was that way for him. Why and how did I fall into the role of the needy one? How did I become a nuisance and a interruption? I'm suppossed to be an addition, an endorsement (insurance language) that makes the other person better. Do I feel that I did that for J? No, I feel as though all I became was a fly that needs to be flicked off.
I am a fighter, not an arguer, and always have been.
How do you explain all of this to someone who doesn't even want to talk to you?
How do you know when it is time to just let go & let live?
From Mel's Jersey Shore themed birthday party
Mel and I's sweet little house :)
